The Sims

So my latest addiction is the Sims. Yep. You read that right, The Sims. Sims 4 to be correct and I'm hooked. Again. I take breaks from the game and then months later I get hooked again for a few days. It happens once or twice a year.

Today it's now.

I still do my parental and wifely duties. I clean the home and care for the kids. Then I spend my downtime playing my game. My daughter likes to watch me play now. We talk about the people and what they're doing. She especially likes when I have a dog in the game. She's obsessed with doggies. It's adorable.

Until she decides to torture our pups. It's ok, they're not really being tortured. I watch and make sure everyone plays nicely. She's still obsessed with them though and loves to hug them constantly.

Ronin has been a whole other problem lately.Today he wasn't playing nicely and he learned what happens when you're not nice. Your friend leaves. I made him go apologise and the boys ended up playing together again. I also had to take away electronics again because he peed his pants. To make it worse, he tried to hide it. Like I couldn't see the massive wet spot on his pants and the smell if pee on the cushion. I don't know what I'm gonna do about him.

I love my kids but boy is it frustrating sometimes. I guess that's the parent life. You just gotta love them anyways.

Goodluck parent pals!

Late Mornings

I've been trying to get into a routine. Going to bed before midnight, taking my meds at the correct time, and getting outside for some sun. I'm supposed to start working out but I haven't gotten around to that step. I already have a difficult time just setting the routines I'm working on. I hope to start more activity next week. It's a work in progress.

Today I got up late. We all ate eggs and poptarts/waffles. We've been watching TV and playing video games. It's not an active morning but it is a nice one. I enjoy spending days laying around the house together. I plan on doing chores this evening. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc....

I don't enjoy chores but I feel better once it's done. I like a clean and organized house. There might be toys everywhere but that's ok with me. I do have kids, and they like to play. 

So today... it's gonna be a good day! I'm sure of it.

Movie Nights

It started out like any other night. The kids took late naps so, of course, they were wired and ready to go. All night long. While Derek played video games the kids played with each other. I was grateful since I had been touched out from earlier that day. I enjoyed some time painting and playing games on the tablet. 

We eventually decided to watch a movie and I got to introduce my man to "Blended" with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. I you haven't seen it, you should. It's very funny. 

About half way through we sent the kids to bed and they did with little fussing. I decided to paint again and started working on a night sky. 

It was a really nice night. I'm happy and I love my family.

  

Painting Dreams

I've been doing a ton of painting lately. Even though I'm willing to sell my art, I mostly do it just for myself. I love painting. It calms me and give me something to focus on. I love blending colors and splattering the rainbow. Creating something from nothing is truly amazing, even if it's simple.

My daughter has started to copy me too. I love sharing my art with her. Of course she's also become insanely clingy. By 6pm I'm touched out, but she keeps insisting on being on me. It's frustrating when I know she wants cuddles but I just need space. I hate being climbed all over, especially after a long day of playing with the kids. Sometimes I just want to sit in the corner and be left alone. It's hard to explain that to a 2 year old though. So I'll do my best to cuddle her before I get touched out and hopefully she'll know she is loved.

I love my kids, I truly do. I love my whole family. My husband is the best. My kids are so sweet and funny. I'm really a very blessed person. I feel so lucky to be me.

Sunsets and Meadows

Today has been a whirlwind. This morning I couldn't get my labs done without making an appointment. The earliest they had was a week from now. Ok, so I ran some other errands and went home. 

This afternoon was my daughters 2 year check up. What started out as a nice fun appointment turned into an anxiety induced frenzy. My poor baby had to get pricked twice and get a shot. We found out she's anemic. Ok, I can work with that. Oh, but she also has high levels of lead in her blood. What?! Now I'm freaking out. How could my baby have lead poisoning?! I don't know where she could have been exposed, but now I'm afraid of everything in the house. Oh joy...

Tonight I've been painting to ease my anxiety. I finished my spiral sun and started a very pretty sunset. I think I'm going to make an inspirational piece tonight as well. I need some peace and inspiration. Everything will be ok.... right?

We'll see how it all goes.....

Beautiful Day

Today really was a great day. This morning I decided to wear some makeup when I went out to the store. I even got to go out alone! It was fun. I felt pretty. I got myself some art stuff too. 

This afternoon I spent a lot of time painting. I'm really proud of some of my art. It's so much fun creating and experimenting. I also cooked a delicious dinner for us, did the dishes, and the laundry. I've been very busy today.

I was able to talk to my psychiatrist today too. He's really nice. Our appointments are all on the phone which is kinda weird, but hey, so is this whole covid situation. The doctor decided to increase my nightmare meds, so hopefully I'll be able to sleep better. I constantly toss and turn at night.

Speaking of night and sleep. I'm going to go ahead and get myself into bed too. Goodnight!

That time the Internet stopped

Today has been a long one. It might seem funny but we rely on internet a lot. We were without internet for 6 hours. It seemed like forever. 

In that time I created more art and introduced my son to some classic movies. I even considered reading a book, but that wasn't possible with the little one climbing all over me. One nice thing was that we had a special sushi delivery for dinner tonight. It was perfectly delicious and brought to me by a friend who I have only known online but never met until now. It was nice to see a friendly smiling face.

Now I'm working on another painting. I'm thinking a sunset over the beach. I might even add a quote over the whole thing. Who knows. That's the joy of creating.

It's been a long day but now it's almost over. Goodnight.

Mowing the Lawn

First off, mowing the lawn in Alabama is not an easy thing. It's insanely hot and humid. You'll be dripping in sweat in less than a minute. To make it even more challenging, we have a reel mower. If you're unfamiliar with that term, a reel mower is a manual push blade mower. No electricity or gas, just muscle.

So I spent about 20 minutes out in the hot humid air pushing a lawn mower all over the yard. I definitely count that as a workout. I also count that as my sun time that my friend Scott has me doing. So I've completed 2 major tasks on my daily list. Now I'm gonna pamper myself with a cold shower and a face mask. I don't really like doing the pampering stuff but I think it's important to take the time for yourself, even if you don't feel like it. 

Today I spent my morning making several new pieces of art. I even painted on my new face masks, I think they look awesome now. I've been really into silhouettes. I create my own and play around with color combinations to surround them. I'm really proud of my art. I just hope others like it.... maybe they'll even buy some eventually, who knows. I create because I enjoy it though, so my art is never something I dread doing. It's really fun learning new styles and working with all the unique tools I have for painting. I just gotta make sure I don't go on an art shopping spree too much. Everything in moderation, right?

Now it's time to go pamper myself. 

Mowing the lawn is tough. 

God Loves You

Today I attended church online. It was nice. I cried during the prayers. I worshiped during the songs. I listened to the scriptures. Church grounds me. God reminds me he's always here. Always watching. Always loving. I'm go glad we have such an amazing God who loves us no matter what.

I miss traditional church, but I'm so grateful for the ability to attend anywhere. God doesn't ask you to just praise him during church. We should praise him in all we do. If we look to him then we will stand strong. I don't know how much more I can express how amazingly loving God is to us. God loves YOU!

I hope to start being more conscious about my actions and thought. I hope to have the strength to resist evil and turn towards God in troubled times. He is my shepherd and my rock. With God by my side I will never fall.

Praise him with all your soul, shout his name, and dance for him. God loves.

Honey Mustard Pringles

It's my latest addiction, Honey Mustard Pringles. They taste just like the Chick-Fil-A honey mustard sauce! Perfectly sweet and tangy! I've eaten 2 containers in a week. But hey at least I'm eating, right? 

I'm eating, sleeping, painting, and writing. I also do laundry and dishes. We can't forget about the whole raising kids and keeping them alive part. 

I guess I do keep fairly busy at times. That's good. I really love getting back into my painting. It's so much fun to create something beautiful from nothing.

That's probably a big part of living, creating things from nothing.

Even though I'm happy today, I still feel a little foggy. 

Thanks for reading this random nonsense blog post!

Where Am I?

Today was good, really good. Tonight is not good. I have allowed my depression to sink in. I feel unstable. It's a horrible feeling. Nausea. Shaking. Sadness. I hate it. I want to escape it. The only thing I can think about is how to end it. I don't want to end it all. But I do. I just want to always be happy.

I hate feeling this way. I'm trying so hard to fight my mind. I'm blogging it out to try and help, but I don't feel any better. I just feel crazy. Am I crazy? Probably. I can't keep running on this wheel. It's making me sick. I don't want to go back into the cage. I just can't escape. What do I do? How do I function? It's all just too much.

I can't do this anymore. I need to figure this out. Before it's all too late. I need to run, hide, escape. I just need to go. I feel trapped in my mind. Just let me out! I can't hold this weight anymore.

Where am I?

Looking for Sunsets

I'm planning out my next piece of art. Sunset. Large. With a mountain silhouette. I'll have to be more careful with my details. The flaws will be more noticable. I think I'll do well. 

I love painting. It's not always easy but I like the skill of the creativity. Giving myself a challenge and then finishing it beautifully. Total happiness. 

I love music too. The only thing better than listening to a good fun song, is watching my children dance to it. A young carefree joy. It's adorable and beautiful. We love Disney songs. Especially Frozen II! We love the movie too. It's on at least once a week. 

I don't really get into TV anymore. I'll put a kids show on most of the time to entertain the youngins. I used to watch several shows, but since Covid they've just been playing reruns. So instead I put on music. I'll occasionally put on  a movie, but even then it's probably going to be a kids movie.

I love my children. Even when they annoy me. Their so different and special in their own way. My son is a quiet, mostly kind, young boy. He loves to help people. He's pretty good at being nice, but sometimes speaks before he thinks. My daughter is sweet and full of spunk. She's most likely to get into trouble, but she loves to help people and cares so much when someone is hurt. I also have a sweet and gentle stepdaughter. She loves being in charge of caring for the little ones and does an amazing job at it. I only wish I could see her more. 

Now I can't write about things I love and my children without mentioning my amazing husband. This man has stuck by me through a lot and still kisses me every time he comes home. He's strong and gentle. Such an amazing father too. I'm seriously the luckiest girl alive. My family is so beautiful and strong. I couldn't be any happier.

The mini me

So, before I delve into my lovely morning *sarcasm*. Let me tell you that I am NOT a morning person. Ok. So, this morning I am woken by my lovely daughter's ear piercing screams. No, she wasn't in danger. She just wanted to show me her creation.... 

On my brand new painting.... The beautiful one I had been working on just the night before. Left out to dry as we slept..... Now adorned with pink marker all over the bottom. Now I didn't know this yet but, it's harder to paint over marker than acrylic. Yay. I've painted 5 coats of white and can still see the pink marker. Frustrating.

In order to make myself feel better I created several more paintings and repaired a few old ones. Soothing. Now I wait for it to dry and I watch it very carefully. My mini me is mischievous. 

I also enjoyed a nice shopping trip alone. I picked out surprises to give my secret person. Got myself 2 more cans of my latest addiction. Honey Mustard Pringles. Yep, that's right. Honey mustard. So delicious! I also picked up candy for my person and snagged some watermelon sour patch for myself. Score!

Sometimes it's the little things that make the day. My new leggings arrived in the mail and I picked up our new lawn mower. Happiness abounding! I have most definitely had a good day so far. The pups even got their nails clipped finally. I think I might treat myself to a nice "spa" evening after the kids fall asleep. The ending to a perfect day. 

Only thing better would have been enjoying it all with my awesome hubby. He's at work. Working hard to provide for us, his family. He's truly the best husband and father I could have ever asked for. He's the cherry on the top of every perfect day.

Painting the Calm

I got to see my counselor today. It was a good visit. We talked about my triggers and how I've been handling life since my being commited. I'm happy to say that life has been going pretty well. My children are happy, my husband is caring, and I'm content.

Having to identify triggers has been hard. Sometimes I don't even know what they are. A movie trailor or a certain song? Maybe it's a random thought I have? I never know. It's my biggest fear.

I handle myself by painting. I love to paint. I blend colors and create images. It's soothing. Adding in some calm or fun music and it's the perfect afternoon. I create in my mind and then smooth it onto canvas.

I paint, color, sing, dance, and walk. That's how I care for myself. How do you?

Painting the Darkness

I love to paint. Acrylic is my choice. I paint nature or colorful creations. It's fun to paint. Until I make the mistakes. Then I'm painting darkness. Black on black covering the bad. Washing anew for a new type of look.

The darkness isn't always scary. It brings peace, calm, and nature. Darkness isn't the end or the beginning. Darkness is limbo. A place. A color. A time. Living in the darkness. It's a new feeling. Not scary. No fears. Fear comes from inside the darkness, not the darkness itself. I have no fear of the darkness. I find the center, the calm, the neutral. 

I paint the darkness on my canvas of life. When I make mistakes I can paint the darkness and start new. It's different, but not bad. Never bad. Different. Hopeful. I just keep painting the darkness. I'll find the peace within, one day. Until then I will paint. Acrylic on Canvas.

My daughter is a monster

All damn day. I call her name over and over. Terrorizing her siblings and driving her momma crazy. She's a tasmanian child with a capital Z. Like a mini tornado, even calm in the center. Driving everyone wild.

I love my babies. I truly do. My son is such a kind sweet soul and my daughter is a little firecracker with extra spunk. They couldn't be more opposite. Their qualities are exponential and I love them all. 

Children are a great joy. They teach us patience and understanding while we teach them how to navigate life. The paths are long, treacherous, and beautiful. I cherish all my time along. 

The next generation is going to be a force to reckon with and I couldn't be more proud to raise such amazing people.

Mornings are for Chocolate

I never wake up at the same time anymore. It's always too early or too late and I'm always still very tired. So I lay in bed for a while. Listening to the sounds of my home. Soft music on my Alexa, the cartoon voices on the living room tv, and the sounds of children quietly fighting over all the toys. It's a routine I never planned but has fallen into place. I can't forget the dogs who just really need to go outside and pee. Someone always wakes me up for something.

It's never quiet in the mornings. 

Busy busy busy days. Lots of energy needed. Eat some chocolate. Then start my day.

We have errands to run, camp packets to create, and music to dance to. You're gonna need some chocolate. Our days are always full, but never full enough. Painting, coloring, playing, watching, driving, shopping, living..... busy busy busy life.

It's time to start my morning. What should we do today?

The possibilities are endless.

I see lightning in the dark

Flashes of light pass through my eyes as I lay in bed. Every night I have this show. The same rhythm. It's haunting. I'm haunted. At night I think of all the memories. Taking me over. My mind can't control. The rolling. A ball of memories. Etched in my head with flashes of lightning.

I've seen a lot. I've felt a lot. I've done a lot. Life has been long and yet seems so short within time. Tonight I see my pains but I don't feel them. I watch in my mind like a spectator. Watching hoping the ending is different this time. I don't like my memories, the lightning that haunts me.

I'm alone. When I feel the strongest. I am alone. I fear. I wait. I hide all pain. The darkness can't hurt me, until the lightning flashes. I'm no longer strong. Spectating in weakness. I can not change the past. It replays over and over. Trapped in a Ferris wheel. A projection of life. 

Life. If you're reading this then you are alive. Living. Breathing. Trapped and free. It's crazy how that is.Trapped in life with no way out and yet free to do as you please. So it seems. Life is tricky. The lightning is beautiful until the thunder rolls.

UnCut **Trigger Warning**

**Trigger Warning**

Today is day 3. I've been fighting myself every day. Resisting the pain, the pull, the need. The need to bleed. It's a painful pain reliever. The sharpness, the cold blood dripping. It's ecstasy. 

I like to take pictures of the pains. A permanent reminder. A snapshot in time. Blood frozen in place in a photo. I know I'm crazy. I know I'm sick. I'm getting help.

Today is day 3.... It's been hard.

Overcoming Reality

Today is Sunday. We "attended" church, in our living room. It was a first, but quite nice too. I think about God a lot. I praise him in the shower and pray to him in the car. I don't bow my head or close my eyes. I just talk.That's what the relationship is all about, right? communication. I mean, sure he knows everything. It sounds better when you tell him. It's like a release of your feelings. An acknowledgement of your mistakes. An unspoken forgiveness of the soul.

The soul is a tricky thing. It's our purpose, our drive, and our downfall. 

We have struggles every day. Things are never black and white in life. There's so much going on in the world right now. Death, murder, sickness, disasters...... it's overwhelming to the soul. We need a peace. A moment in time where everything stops for just so. The world can take a breath. If only for a moment. Time, a curious illusion. It lasts forever in a moment. Never long enough and yet still too long. Just enough to keep you thinking. The thought of time. Forever held in the mind and captured by the soul. Everything comes together as one in the end.

Does it bother you too? Do you lay at night, covered and cold, wondering the things I do? Have you thought about the universe? How it holds so many things. If only we could capture the moment. Did you try to capture a moment? A stand still stop of breathing. A gasp. One day we will. The peace will come as a short fleeting gasp. Pay attention.

Crying Is Emotional

Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary. I'm so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life. So why do I hurt? why can't I be happy where I stand? What's wrong with me?

I am a happy person. I love my children. So why do I cry? when I'm happy, I cry. When I'm sad, I cry. When I'm mad, I cry. Always crying. When I can't drop a single tear, my heart still cries.

I can never define the different tears that fall. Each one holding it's own piece of hope. Glistening, rolling, falling; a wish. I can not cry. My heart cries. Tight breathing, pain. This time is gonna be different. It's not. 

I lost my thoughts. My cares. Depression is a culprit, you can never run from. I just get so tired of running. I'd rather drown.

Rocks in the pocket.

Ice cold, rush.

Red Walls

I sit and watch the blood flow down.

Down the walls of sanity.
Covering the pain, the love, and the feelings.
Red tears fall down my cheeks.
Blood drips off my finger tips.
The walls bleed, covering every inch.
Memories of loss, pain, and sorrow.
No more hope.
No more love.
No more times or ways to escape.
The Red Blood covering all exits.
No escape.
Trapped forever.
Forever bleeding.
Inside the room of red walls.

Suicide

The terrorizing heart of loneliness. The black hole filling my soul. The vile potion corrupting every sense I have ever known. This bed I lay in now, the brown dirt and clay, cold in the midnight rain. Blood red my arms a view of the pain I've ever known, loved, sought out in my weary mind. This bed of blood, deep red as my physical beating heart, it stops once more, the drum as it rests, the painful silence in the ears of my dark head, my thought intertwined in my eyes all I see is my longing torture of repressing shadows. As the air growing colder than the ice in my blue still veins. The night of day rearing it's ugly head into my mind as my thoughts exit with my last and final breath.

Everything Together

The world, a big ball of insanity floating in vast space, so understandable and yet the mind cannot find a place to hold it. Places created with out a purpose, people searching for an answer. No one will every find it, always searching for the truth to life. The truth does not exist. Hope in every ones hearts, refusing to accept the answer. Wonder of how nothing can be exact and life is never known. We spend our whole lives searching for something. Maybe it’s the truth or a sliver of hope of what is really here. Trust the answer, that truth is nothing real, and go one living in the mindset of a real world. Knowing inside that we exist only within ourselves.

Untitled

Hands twisted like vines around the neck of hope, suppressing every feeling. Never alone, always forgotten. Blazing, the fire, burning holes in the thin lining of sanity. Screams unheard, words unspoken. Darkness cannot survive, light holds no place. Never looking back, always running into nothing. Tapping, rapping, music that is silent. Turning everything into nothing and nothing drifts away, sparing the love, fearing the known. Everyone forgets what they have never known. Purpose creates a spark, blown out by the wind of doubt. Pleasing every sense we cannot feel and feeling every pleasure we cannot have.

Some Days Are Not The Days

    It's been quite a while since I've written. Lots have happened over the years. Tomorrow I will celebrate 3 years with the man of my dreams, I now have three amazing children, and I finally found a diagnoses for my mental health, bipolar....

    Having a mental health disorder is not the end of the world, I promise. I'm not saying we're not gonna struggle, but I am saying that we can get through it. My biggest concern, along side my mental health, is that of my children's. I grew up in a different time and home life, I have no experience as a child of having a mother who has been in and out of psychiatric facilities. I'm not saying I didn't deal with other home life issues but the situations were different (and I love my parents dearly, just to clear things up). My son is 7, he's smart, funny, and very observant. I struggle daily to hide my problems from his precious eyes. I know he knows mommy has struggles. My daughter is 2, she only knows that she loves and misses her mommy regularly. I'm missing her growing up so fast. All three of my babies are growing up before my eyes and I can't even be there.

    I spent the last month in a psychiatric facility. It was an experience to say the least. What throws me for a loop though is how much I missed the place, once I got home. I'm so glad to be home and with my family but it can get so overwhelming. Some nights I hope to wake up in the hospital again..... I think I must be crazy. I have medicine now that work pretty well. Of course in life you can't rely on just medication. So I see a therapist every week to work through my issues verbally. I'm learning my coping skills and how to calm myself when feeling stressed. I highly recommend therapy even if you don't feel like you really need it.

I didn't have much of a blogging plan today. Just wanted to hop on and share some of my life changes. Thank you for supporting me!

'My Husband & Daughter'
July 4th 2020