Painting the Darkness

I love to paint. Acrylic is my choice. I paint nature or colorful creations. It's fun to paint. Until I make the mistakes. Then I'm painting darkness. Black on black covering the bad. Washing anew for a new type of look.

The darkness isn't always scary. It brings peace, calm, and nature. Darkness isn't the end or the beginning. Darkness is limbo. A place. A color. A time. Living in the darkness. It's a new feeling. Not scary. No fears. Fear comes from inside the darkness, not the darkness itself. I have no fear of the darkness. I find the center, the calm, the neutral. 

I paint the darkness on my canvas of life. When I make mistakes I can paint the darkness and start new. It's different, but not bad. Never bad. Different. Hopeful. I just keep painting the darkness. I'll find the peace within, one day. Until then I will paint. Acrylic on Canvas.

My daughter is a monster

All damn day. I call her name over and over. Terrorizing her siblings and driving her momma crazy. She's a tasmanian child with a capital Z. Like a mini tornado, even calm in the center. Driving everyone wild.

I love my babies. I truly do. My son is such a kind sweet soul and my daughter is a little firecracker with extra spunk. They couldn't be more opposite. Their qualities are exponential and I love them all. 

Children are a great joy. They teach us patience and understanding while we teach them how to navigate life. The paths are long, treacherous, and beautiful. I cherish all my time along. 

The next generation is going to be a force to reckon with and I couldn't be more proud to raise such amazing people.

Mornings are for Chocolate

I never wake up at the same time anymore. It's always too early or too late and I'm always still very tired. So I lay in bed for a while. Listening to the sounds of my home. Soft music on my Alexa, the cartoon voices on the living room tv, and the sounds of children quietly fighting over all the toys. It's a routine I never planned but has fallen into place. I can't forget the dogs who just really need to go outside and pee. Someone always wakes me up for something.

It's never quiet in the mornings. 

Busy busy busy days. Lots of energy needed. Eat some chocolate. Then start my day.

We have errands to run, camp packets to create, and music to dance to. You're gonna need some chocolate. Our days are always full, but never full enough. Painting, coloring, playing, watching, driving, shopping, living..... busy busy busy life.

It's time to start my morning. What should we do today?

The possibilities are endless.

I see lightning in the dark

Flashes of light pass through my eyes as I lay in bed. Every night I have this show. The same rhythm. It's haunting. I'm haunted. At night I think of all the memories. Taking me over. My mind can't control. The rolling. A ball of memories. Etched in my head with flashes of lightning.

I've seen a lot. I've felt a lot. I've done a lot. Life has been long and yet seems so short within time. Tonight I see my pains but I don't feel them. I watch in my mind like a spectator. Watching hoping the ending is different this time. I don't like my memories, the lightning that haunts me.

I'm alone. When I feel the strongest. I am alone. I fear. I wait. I hide all pain. The darkness can't hurt me, until the lightning flashes. I'm no longer strong. Spectating in weakness. I can not change the past. It replays over and over. Trapped in a Ferris wheel. A projection of life. 

Life. If you're reading this then you are alive. Living. Breathing. Trapped and free. It's crazy how that is.Trapped in life with no way out and yet free to do as you please. So it seems. Life is tricky. The lightning is beautiful until the thunder rolls.

UnCut **Trigger Warning**

**Trigger Warning**

Today is day 3. I've been fighting myself every day. Resisting the pain, the pull, the need. The need to bleed. It's a painful pain reliever. The sharpness, the cold blood dripping. It's ecstasy. 

I like to take pictures of the pains. A permanent reminder. A snapshot in time. Blood frozen in place in a photo. I know I'm crazy. I know I'm sick. I'm getting help.

Today is day 3.... It's been hard.

Overcoming Reality

Today is Sunday. We "attended" church, in our living room. It was a first, but quite nice too. I think about God a lot. I praise him in the shower and pray to him in the car. I don't bow my head or close my eyes. I just talk.That's what the relationship is all about, right? communication. I mean, sure he knows everything. It sounds better when you tell him. It's like a release of your feelings. An acknowledgement of your mistakes. An unspoken forgiveness of the soul.

The soul is a tricky thing. It's our purpose, our drive, and our downfall. 

We have struggles every day. Things are never black and white in life. There's so much going on in the world right now. Death, murder, sickness, disasters...... it's overwhelming to the soul. We need a peace. A moment in time where everything stops for just so. The world can take a breath. If only for a moment. Time, a curious illusion. It lasts forever in a moment. Never long enough and yet still too long. Just enough to keep you thinking. The thought of time. Forever held in the mind and captured by the soul. Everything comes together as one in the end.

Does it bother you too? Do you lay at night, covered and cold, wondering the things I do? Have you thought about the universe? How it holds so many things. If only we could capture the moment. Did you try to capture a moment? A stand still stop of breathing. A gasp. One day we will. The peace will come as a short fleeting gasp. Pay attention.

Crying Is Emotional

Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary. I'm so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life. So why do I hurt? why can't I be happy where I stand? What's wrong with me?

I am a happy person. I love my children. So why do I cry? when I'm happy, I cry. When I'm sad, I cry. When I'm mad, I cry. Always crying. When I can't drop a single tear, my heart still cries.

I can never define the different tears that fall. Each one holding it's own piece of hope. Glistening, rolling, falling; a wish. I can not cry. My heart cries. Tight breathing, pain. This time is gonna be different. It's not. 

I lost my thoughts. My cares. Depression is a culprit, you can never run from. I just get so tired of running. I'd rather drown.

Rocks in the pocket.

Ice cold, rush.