Overcoming Reality

Today is Sunday. We "attended" church, in our living room. It was a first, but quite nice too. I think about God a lot. I praise him in the shower and pray to him in the car. I don't bow my head or close my eyes. I just talk.That's what the relationship is all about, right? communication. I mean, sure he knows everything. It sounds better when you tell him. It's like a release of your feelings. An acknowledgement of your mistakes. An unspoken forgiveness of the soul.

The soul is a tricky thing. It's our purpose, our drive, and our downfall. 

We have struggles every day. Things are never black and white in life. There's so much going on in the world right now. Death, murder, sickness, disasters...... it's overwhelming to the soul. We need a peace. A moment in time where everything stops for just so. The world can take a breath. If only for a moment. Time, a curious illusion. It lasts forever in a moment. Never long enough and yet still too long. Just enough to keep you thinking. The thought of time. Forever held in the mind and captured by the soul. Everything comes together as one in the end.

Does it bother you too? Do you lay at night, covered and cold, wondering the things I do? Have you thought about the universe? How it holds so many things. If only we could capture the moment. Did you try to capture a moment? A stand still stop of breathing. A gasp. One day we will. The peace will come as a short fleeting gasp. Pay attention.

Crying Is Emotional

Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary. I'm so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life. So why do I hurt? why can't I be happy where I stand? What's wrong with me?

I am a happy person. I love my children. So why do I cry? when I'm happy, I cry. When I'm sad, I cry. When I'm mad, I cry. Always crying. When I can't drop a single tear, my heart still cries.

I can never define the different tears that fall. Each one holding it's own piece of hope. Glistening, rolling, falling; a wish. I can not cry. My heart cries. Tight breathing, pain. This time is gonna be different. It's not. 

I lost my thoughts. My cares. Depression is a culprit, you can never run from. I just get so tired of running. I'd rather drown.

Rocks in the pocket.

Ice cold, rush.

Red Walls

I sit and watch the blood flow down.

Down the walls of sanity.
Covering the pain, the love, and the feelings.
Red tears fall down my cheeks.
Blood drips off my finger tips.
The walls bleed, covering every inch.
Memories of loss, pain, and sorrow.
No more hope.
No more love.
No more times or ways to escape.
The Red Blood covering all exits.
No escape.
Trapped forever.
Forever bleeding.
Inside the room of red walls.

Suicide

The terrorizing heart of loneliness. The black hole filling my soul. The vile potion corrupting every sense I have ever known. This bed I lay in now, the brown dirt and clay, cold in the midnight rain. Blood red my arms a view of the pain I've ever known, loved, sought out in my weary mind. This bed of blood, deep red as my physical beating heart, it stops once more, the drum as it rests, the painful silence in the ears of my dark head, my thought intertwined in my eyes all I see is my longing torture of repressing shadows. As the air growing colder than the ice in my blue still veins. The night of day rearing it's ugly head into my mind as my thoughts exit with my last and final breath.

Everything Together

The world, a big ball of insanity floating in vast space, so understandable and yet the mind cannot find a place to hold it. Places created with out a purpose, people searching for an answer. No one will every find it, always searching for the truth to life. The truth does not exist. Hope in every ones hearts, refusing to accept the answer. Wonder of how nothing can be exact and life is never known. We spend our whole lives searching for something. Maybe it’s the truth or a sliver of hope of what is really here. Trust the answer, that truth is nothing real, and go one living in the mindset of a real world. Knowing inside that we exist only within ourselves.

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Hands twisted like vines around the neck of hope, suppressing every feeling. Never alone, always forgotten. Blazing, the fire, burning holes in the thin lining of sanity. Screams unheard, words unspoken. Darkness cannot survive, light holds no place. Never looking back, always running into nothing. Tapping, rapping, music that is silent. Turning everything into nothing and nothing drifts away, sparing the love, fearing the known. Everyone forgets what they have never known. Purpose creates a spark, blown out by the wind of doubt. Pleasing every sense we cannot feel and feeling every pleasure we cannot have.

Some Days Are Not The Days

    It's been quite a while since I've written. Lots have happened over the years. Tomorrow I will celebrate 3 years with the man of my dreams, I now have three amazing children, and I finally found a diagnoses for my mental health, bipolar....

    Having a mental health disorder is not the end of the world, I promise. I'm not saying we're not gonna struggle, but I am saying that we can get through it. My biggest concern, along side my mental health, is that of my children's. I grew up in a different time and home life, I have no experience as a child of having a mother who has been in and out of psychiatric facilities. I'm not saying I didn't deal with other home life issues but the situations were different (and I love my parents dearly, just to clear things up). My son is 7, he's smart, funny, and very observant. I struggle daily to hide my problems from his precious eyes. I know he knows mommy has struggles. My daughter is 2, she only knows that she loves and misses her mommy regularly. I'm missing her growing up so fast. All three of my babies are growing up before my eyes and I can't even be there.

    I spent the last month in a psychiatric facility. It was an experience to say the least. What throws me for a loop though is how much I missed the place, once I got home. I'm so glad to be home and with my family but it can get so overwhelming. Some nights I hope to wake up in the hospital again..... I think I must be crazy. I have medicine now that work pretty well. Of course in life you can't rely on just medication. So I see a therapist every week to work through my issues verbally. I'm learning my coping skills and how to calm myself when feeling stressed. I highly recommend therapy even if you don't feel like you really need it.

I didn't have much of a blogging plan today. Just wanted to hop on and share some of my life changes. Thank you for supporting me!

'My Husband & Daughter'
July 4th 2020