Red Walls

I sit and watch the blood flow down.

Down the walls of sanity.
Covering the pain, the love, and the feelings.
Red tears fall down my cheeks.
Blood drips off my finger tips.
The walls bleed, covering every inch.
Memories of loss, pain, and sorrow.
No more hope.
No more love.
No more times or ways to escape.
The Red Blood covering all exits.
No escape.
Trapped forever.
Forever bleeding.
Inside the room of red walls.

Suicide

The terrorizing heart of loneliness. The black hole filling my soul. The vile potion corrupting every sense I have ever known. This bed I lay in now, the brown dirt and clay, cold in the midnight rain. Blood red my arms a view of the pain I've ever known, loved, sought out in my weary mind. This bed of blood, deep red as my physical beating heart, it stops once more, the drum as it rests, the painful silence in the ears of my dark head, my thought intertwined in my eyes all I see is my longing torture of repressing shadows. As the air growing colder than the ice in my blue still veins. The night of day rearing it's ugly head into my mind as my thoughts exit with my last and final breath.

Everything Together

The world, a big ball of insanity floating in vast space, so understandable and yet the mind cannot find a place to hold it. Places created with out a purpose, people searching for an answer. No one will every find it, always searching for the truth to life. The truth does not exist. Hope in every ones hearts, refusing to accept the answer. Wonder of how nothing can be exact and life is never known. We spend our whole lives searching for something. Maybe it’s the truth or a sliver of hope of what is really here. Trust the answer, that truth is nothing real, and go one living in the mindset of a real world. Knowing inside that we exist only within ourselves.

Untitled

Hands twisted like vines around the neck of hope, suppressing every feeling. Never alone, always forgotten. Blazing, the fire, burning holes in the thin lining of sanity. Screams unheard, words unspoken. Darkness cannot survive, light holds no place. Never looking back, always running into nothing. Tapping, rapping, music that is silent. Turning everything into nothing and nothing drifts away, sparing the love, fearing the known. Everyone forgets what they have never known. Purpose creates a spark, blown out by the wind of doubt. Pleasing every sense we cannot feel and feeling every pleasure we cannot have.

Some Days Are Not The Days

    It's been quite a while since I've written. Lots have happened over the years. Tomorrow I will celebrate 3 years with the man of my dreams, I now have three amazing children, and I finally found a diagnoses for my mental health, bipolar....

    Having a mental health disorder is not the end of the world, I promise. I'm not saying we're not gonna struggle, but I am saying that we can get through it. My biggest concern, along side my mental health, is that of my children's. I grew up in a different time and home life, I have no experience as a child of having a mother who has been in and out of psychiatric facilities. I'm not saying I didn't deal with other home life issues but the situations were different (and I love my parents dearly, just to clear things up). My son is 7, he's smart, funny, and very observant. I struggle daily to hide my problems from his precious eyes. I know he knows mommy has struggles. My daughter is 2, she only knows that she loves and misses her mommy regularly. I'm missing her growing up so fast. All three of my babies are growing up before my eyes and I can't even be there.

    I spent the last month in a psychiatric facility. It was an experience to say the least. What throws me for a loop though is how much I missed the place, once I got home. I'm so glad to be home and with my family but it can get so overwhelming. Some nights I hope to wake up in the hospital again..... I think I must be crazy. I have medicine now that work pretty well. Of course in life you can't rely on just medication. So I see a therapist every week to work through my issues verbally. I'm learning my coping skills and how to calm myself when feeling stressed. I highly recommend therapy even if you don't feel like you really need it.

I didn't have much of a blogging plan today. Just wanted to hop on and share some of my life changes. Thank you for supporting me!

'My Husband & Daughter'
July 4th 2020

It's a been a long long mom month

It's actually been quite a few months since I last posted anything. I admire those moms I read about who have the time to throw together a blog or two in a week, never the less a day. Of course every mom's life, their "job", is different. There's some moms who have the luxury of staying home all day. I used to be one of those, but seriously even a SAHM has an insanely busy schedule. Between breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, dishes, clean up, melt downs, dragging kids to the grocery store, etc... There's very little time alone. In fact, there's never a moment alone for a SAHM (unless you want to count the two minute cookie binge in the closet). Then there's the college mom, that's me now. We struggle to balance parenting and schoolwork. If your lucky enough to not have a kid in school yet then that's one less homework assignment you have to look at. But, if like me, you have a crazy two year old in the house. That leaves little time to actually sit down and do anything involving paper or a computer (as I type this I am watching my kid move my salad bowl around the table saying "choo choo", I only pray it doesn't fall and break as I take the moment to do something for myself). I find myself up at 2am many night  working on my homework because I finally have time, while he is sleeping. Of course I also know the longer I'm up the less sleep I will get, because he will wake at 830, regardless of when I fall asleep. I can't leave out the working moms, I have yet to be one, my side job is a Nanny, but I know I soon will. A working mom must balance time with her child and time with her work. Working is what gives her the time with her child. I hear some moms worry that their working affects the bond with their child. I think providing for your child is more important in the bonding with your child. You will be the hard working role model they think of as they grow up, and all the moments shared in between job time only makes the time more special.There's also the single moms, and the married moms. The cloth diaper moms, and the disposable diaper moms. The breastfeeding moms, and the formula moms. There's families with two moms, and families with male "moms". So many moms, and each child needs one. Some might be foster moms, or life coaching moms. Some might be related, and some two different races. The most important thing is that we are all moms. We are all important in the eyes of our children. No matter what kind of mom you are, you are a Mom. You are strong, tender, and important. You know everything even when you feel like you know nothing. We are the leaders of the future. You have the choice as a mom to choose how the world will turn out. Just by showing your love as a mom to that child, the one that calls you Mom.
             
                    I must admit, this was not the type of Blog I was planning on writing about tonight. but sometimes, when it comes to you, you must let it out. I just wanna say, every day I learn a little more about what being a mom really is. Today we had our biggest melt down yet. I'm sure there will be bigger in the future, but this one takes the cake so far. It was in Target, we had just finished checking out, I was so thankful for that. I told my son it was time to put on his coat. It's January, it's cold out. That's when it started. The screaming, the kicking, the falling down and rolling all over the floor. As I sat on the floor trying to wrestle my squirming child's arms into his coat, just enough to cover him before I ran outside. I wondered, "is any one looking?" "I wonder what they think" "Do I look like a bad mom?" and as I thought these things I realized. WHO CARES?! I'm a mom, these kinds of things are normal when your a mom. Other moms will understand, or maybe they will think they are better (but I'm sure they've secretly been through the same thing). Non-parents, well, if they ever have kids they'll finally get it. If not, then they have no opinion. These experiences test your motherly patients and maybe even your humility. I feel like I aced today's test, I kept a calm demeanor and even managed not to laugh out loud in embarrassment. Everyone has a mother story to tell. Just remember, it's totally ok to laugh.

Life is occasionally too busy sometimes

    It has definitely been a very busy month. Between work, school, and spending time with my son it leaves very little time for relaxing. As I've learned over the past 18 months, as a mom you give up relaxing and me time. Instead we replace it with teaching, learning, and experiences. To me it's the greatest trade in the world. As fall is just around the corner I've been spending what little me time I can get on planning fall inspired activities to share with my son. Here are a few relaxing and fun seasonal activities you can do with your kids too: 

P.S. I love edible crafts

Colorful Candy Apples

Melt Jolly Ranchers at 250 degrees for 5 minutes. Pour over apples. 

Add edible glitter for a sparkle effect

Cinnamon-Sugar Roasted Pumpkin Seeds

Snack on these sweet, crunchy pumpkin seeds all autumn long. Tossed in sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg and toasted until golden brown, these addictive morsels steal the show on any appetizer table. Get the recipe.

Fall Leaf Prints

Paint the leaves and roll on paper. For detailed instructions click the link above.

Leaf Wreath

Just cut a circle from a cardboard box or use a paper plate. Cut a hole in the middle so it looks like a doughnut. Then get your glue and leafs and start decorating!